Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Introducing: The Jazzy Select!

New from Criptastic Industries, the new Jazzy Select!

An exciting new alternative to crawling helplessly on the ground, designed specifically with your generation's needs in mind.

This ain't your grandmother's wheelchair. This is JAZZY!

Too long have the handicapped, obese, and lazy been confined to uncomfortable and aesthetically unpleasing hulks of metal and pain. Now you can cripple-it-up in comfort and style with a Flame Red Jazzy Select, handpicked by rap star Puff Daddy as his ride of choice should he ever be shot in the spine. A Bedsore Gray version designed by Christopher Reeves is also available and includes a custom designed cup holder/colostomy bag changing station.

Imagine heavy metal, rap music, text messaging, the entire Twilight series, and medical marijuana all having sex with a wheelchair! The resulting offspring would undoubtedly be the Jazzy Select. A rolling command center for the highly active, completely paralyzed teen on the go. Take no prisoners as you blaze through the hallways of the very high school you considered burning to the ground 2 short months ago. While everyone else has to park their cars outside, you can drive straight to your desk. Take that, cheerleader scum!

For a limited time only, all orders received will be fitted with an optional set of vaguely chrome-like spinning rims and an anti-theft security alarm; designed to mesmerize, and protect you from, black people.

Jazzy! The only way to truly enjoy paralysis.

1 comment:

  1. You may have outdone yourself, this is funny as hell!