Musical Bonus Points

In a recent discussion with another music fan, I was bewildered by his attempt to bestow what he called "bonus points" on the band Stryper. His argument was that Stryper was not only "kick ass" but that they also earned two bonus points for being a Christian band. I had a hard time agreeing that the religion of a band had anything to do with the likability of their music. I also had a problem with the concept of the bonus points themselves.

Was he not aware of the the important recent developments in the Laws of Musical Discussion? I had to enlighten him during our talk. And because I think more people might be unaware of these recent developments, I will attempt to enlighten you as well.

The following is an excerpt from an article which originally appreared in the most recent edition of Cock and Roll Magazine, a bi-decadal music journal for the idiotic and tone deaf. Hopefully it will shed some light on the subject.

"The giving of bonus points to bands is no longer legally allowed in the discussion of music. This decision was officially enacted in early 2006 when a 14 year old British girl attempted to give the band Cradle of Filth "3 thousand million hundred" bonus points because Dani Filth (the singer) was a "glowing ember of beautifully tainted asshole-meat".

"Not only was the amount of bonus points bestowed an imaginary number, but the validity of her claim was also under intense scrutiny. Try as she might, she could not sufficiently prove that he glowed.

"Shortly after this failed bonus point attempt, an emergency international music session was called and, by decree, all future attempts at bonus points were to be considered null and void. Now, bands are only allowed to be ranked using the Official Points System of Iceland (OPSI)."

Example:

Bjork = 110 points

"Old" Metallica (1983-1990) = 89 points

--------70 Point Kick-Ass Threshold-------

Stryper= 35 points

"New" Metallica (1991-present) = 6 points

So, as you can see by the above diagram, the entire bonus point conversation was a complete waste of time. Even if my counterpart was allowed to use the two bonus points he attempted to bestow upon Stryper, they would still fail to achieve the 70 points needed to be considered "Kick Ass"™.

I win.